Giving In

It was inevitable; it is the age of the blog, and I knew I would give in sooner or later.  I had played with the idea of creating a blog for over a year, but a few things held me back.  I felt that, for me, a blog would be perceived as self-indulgent.  I mean, why wouldn't I just keep a journal or a diary if I really felt the need to see my thoughts on paper (or screen, rather)?  Why would anybody in his or her right mind want to read my thoughts, opinions, suggestions, or simple questions, and what have I got to offer the world?

Hmmm.  The latter part of that question has been tripping me up for a while now.  I have been on this Earth for 25 wonderful years, but it has definitely been these last few years that have been the most challenging.  I question my career, my decisions (past and present) and, most significantly, my faith.  My once zealous desire to please and to serve God has unfortunately dissolved into an ugly and selfish habit to just merely survive each day.  I've stood by as my soul has been sucked away by a vortex of ungrateful teenagers, unpleasant household chores, and necessary grown-up responsibilities.  I have this HUGE obstacle called "pride" that somehow makes me feel like telling God, "don't worry, I've got this all under control, and I can make my own plans.  Thanks anyway.  Oh, but please be on standby in case something REALLY bad happens; that way, I can blame the bad things on You and try to fix it myself."

Ironically enough, and just to prove that I am full of contradictions, I believe this pride comes from a major lack of self-esteem and security.  I like to be in control, but most days I feel very out of control, and the thought of admitting that makes me cringe.  I focus on my flaws but always want other people to think that I am confident and fearless.  What a joke! 

It's time to confess that I understand that I'm nothing without Christ.  I was saved at 7 years old, and at that very young age I probably understood what it truly means to be a Christian even better than I do now.  Even though I feel dirty, ugly, lazy, selfish, and extremely un-lovable, I am reminded in Romans 8:38-39 that "neither life nor death, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

NOTHING I do or feel or think or say or believe can take away God's love for me...or for you.  I may have been squandering away my time selfishly, and that guilt sometimes consumes me; but why am I dwelling on it?  If I confess my sins and ask for forgiveness, God's mercy will re-energize me to strive to bring glory to God in everything I do, no matter how mundane or worthless it seems. 
"But because of His great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive in Christ even when we were dead by transgressions-it is by Grace you have been saved."
Ephesians 2:4-5

So this is it; this blog will serve as a reminder that God has a plan and a purpose for me, and no matter how worthless I feel, I am here for a reason.  This is better than a diary; this forces me to finish the thoughts that ping-pong around in my head and hinder my ability to concentrate on any one thing at a time.  It is to God and for God I write, for He assures me "I'm a little more than useless."